


Ugly Ass Baby

by oddegg



Category: Glee
Genre: Crack, M/M, kind-of mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-24
Updated: 2010-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-12 06:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddegg/pseuds/oddegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, about that whole 'vasectomy' thing...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ugly Ass Baby

**Author's Note:**

> ...yeah. So this is a result of the 'vasectomy' line in Audition, [](http://alicebluegown16.livejournal.com/profile)[**alicebluegown16**](http://alicebluegown16.livejournal.com/) getting a [Stephen Lynch song ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpWB_ZiFy-Q)stuck in my head, and spending yesterday suggesting joke names for a pregnant colleague's impending child. Oh, and me being insane, of course. *runs and hides*

  
Kurt came up slowly from slowly from his sleep to the sound of someone singing softly.

He opened heavy eyelids and groggily looked over to see Puck sitting in a chair next to one of the cribs placed near the bed and crooning gently to the little pink-wrapped bundle inside.

He felt a loopy smile form on his face and then he actually listened to the words Puck was mouthing and his smile froze.

“…Noah. Please tell me that the gas-and-air I got for the delivery is still working and that I’m **_not_** actually hearing you sing ‘Ugly Baby’ to our daughter?”

Puck looked up and grinned at him “Oh, hey dude – I thought you were still all drugged up and shit.” The jock got up and stretched “Fuck, this whole ‘childbirth’ thing is fucking _exhausting_ man – I’ve been hanging around for ages!”

Kurt ignored the douchenozzle thing Puck had just said (for the moment) to deal with a more important matter “ _Noah_. The song? That is really not an appropriate thing to…”

Puck cut him off “Like _fuck_ it isn’t! Dude, have you _seen_ her? Shit, when she came out I thought the nurse was going to turn round and slap me for crimes against humanity or something! Kid’s freaking hideous – emphasis very much on the ‘freak’. I tried to find P.T. Barnum’s number but Wikipedia says the dude’s dead.”

Kurt bristled at this slur on his offspring and opened his mouth to rip Puck a new one but the jock carried on before he began “Seriously. When I saw her I was like ‘I don’t care how fucking late in the day it is – someone hand me a coathanger!’. I think something went wrong with the Puckzilla swimmers on this one”

He peered into the crib again and said thoughtfully “Though she’s actually inherited my balls, which I feel an odd sense of pride about”

Puck looked back over with a bright smile and said reassuringly “Boy’s a good looking little dude, though! I think we should keep that one.”

Kurt made a choking noise and Puck said with a frown “Well, shit; I can’t take the girl home to my mom. Even if the red eyes and the lack of nose didn’t kill her off she’d die off shock about the little Hitler moustache and, dude, and I already get enough grief off of her – there’s no way I’m getting haunted by a Jewish-momma guilting me out all the time!”

Puck obviously took Kurt’s disbelieving silence as agreement because he nodded happily and then snapped his fingers and pointed at Kurt excitedly “But oh, oh! _Dude!_ Before we give her to a freak show or sell her on Ebay or something I came up with the _perfect_ names for them while you were out of it!”

He was already in total, gob-smacked shock but an extra horrible feeling of apprehension crept over Kurt at those words – but whatever it was, it couldn’t be any worse than Finn’s suggestion that they reuse his idea of ‘Drizzle’ and add ‘Puddle’ for the twin ( _“’Cos jumping in puddles is fun!” “…you want me to call my child after something you think it’s fun to *jump* on?”_ ).

Could it?

Puck’s face was lit up with delight “We should name the girl ‘Bukkake’ and the boy ‘Hentai’!”

This was a dream, right? This was a hideous, frightful nightmare and Kurt was going to wake up any second, _right?!_

Kurt led his head thud back onto the pillow and as the blissful darkness of his swoon washed over him the last thing he heard was Puck saying decisively “Oh, and by the way – watching freak babies come out of your ass totally turned me off and I don’t think I can get it up for you anymore after that. So I’m breaking up with you, ‘cos the sex shark needs his release, you know? That cool with you?”

  
* * *

  
Puck never got to know about the dream.

All he knew was that he got woken unexpectedly from a sound sleep by a weight suddenly landing on his chest and when his eyes shot open he found himself practically nose to nose with Kurt, who had a kinda wild-eyed, crazy look about him.

Long thin fingers dug into his shoulders painfully as Kurt clutched at him feverishly and hissed into his face “You are getting a _vasectomy_ , do you understand me, Noah Puckerman? You are getting a vasectomy or so help me you are never, ever getting near my ass **_again!_** ”

Puck tried to reason with him but Kurt grew hysterical and started hitting him; wailing about Puck being a complete douche and Kurt not wanting ass babies and how Puck was a jerk, jerk, _jerk_ and if he tried to go back to his sex-shark ways Kurt was going to go get a bigger boat and frickin’ harpoon his ass and also, bizarrely, about how Puck should stop watching so much Japanese porn.

So Puck made an appointment with the doctor the next morning, because Kurt had a _really_ nice ass and there was no way Puck wasn’t hitting that again.

The rest of him was pretty fucking hot as well, and they’d discovered his balls were the perfect size for Puck to fit both into his mouth at the same time. If that wasn’t a sign from god that he should keep banging Kurt, Puck didn’t know what was.

So he got the snip.

Because it was the responsible thing to do.

 


End file.
